Daily writing prompt

Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to.

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I was raised by my grandparents, and I was the 1st-born grandchild. My love has, and will always be, unconditional for them. My grandfather was a family-loving man, and funny enough, he equated to the grandfather that kept the family together (in books and movies it’s usually the grandmother). No matter what people’s issues were, during a family gathering, he made sure that everyone got a share of love, food, entertainment, and that nobody ever felt left out. He always had faith that everyone would do better, and ultimately, be ok.

My grandfather passed in 2015, and I just knew that my world would end. I expected to have a nervous break down, as it’s something I had always imagined would happen when either of my grandparents would depart from this life. It wasn’t this way for me, which is ironic because I was one of the last of my family members to see him moments before he took his last breath.

My grandfather showed me every type of love there was. I was able to observe the love he had for his grandchildren, the love he had for his wife (my grandmother), and the love he had for general people (neighbors, club members, members of the community). But I shared something great with him that I didn’t truly realize until much later in life.

I had an amazing childhood filled with love, lots of it! I was pregnant with my oldest daughter the year my granddaddy died. Throughout my pregnancy, all I could imagine was the amount of love my daughter would receive from him. It was one of the things I was really excited about, and my grandfather died within three months of my daughter’s birth.

I was completely devastated, and now, all I have pertaining to memories of her and my granddaddy are the memories of his smile and happiness whenever he’d put his hand on my stomach and feel her kicking. She would never know him, nor would anything I could ever tell her about him amount to the wonderful man he was.

Over the years, particularly during phases of abuse and addiction, I thought a lot of him. I believe in a natural balance of things, and for some reason there was always this underlying force my grandfather had that would steer me back toward his grace and loving arms. I had thoughts like “if he was here, I definitely wouldn’t be in this mess”, and “…I know he’d save me from…”.

In those thoughts lied my savior, but also memories of my childhood–lots of joy, smiles, love, and several common day-to-day things I took for granted. Those memories held all of my innocence, before I became inflicted with abuse, addiction, and loss of love for myself. And the reality was that he was no longer here, and all they were, were just memories.

I had an amazing spiritual connection during the time my grandfather died, and it allowed me to easily get through his passing; it’s when my perspective on life and death changed. I’m not forced to say goodbye to my memories, unless one day I fall ill and begin to lose them.

So, I don’t know whether it would be considered a ‘phase’, because it’s ongoing, but I am at peace with it. It is difficult saying goodbye to the moments in life that we take for granted. Time is one thing you never get back, and once the moment’s gone, it’s gone forever. All you have left are the memories, and there will come a time when you will want to recreate that exact moment in time, but can’t because the key components are no longer available. Even at my worst, there was a brief moment of solace within the memories of these moments. Then reality hits, and then my mind plays the song. . .should’ve, could’ve, would’ve. . .